2 January 2012
Friendship
Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately. My two best-est of friends are and always will be my husband and my mum. That fact notwithstanding, however, as 2011 drew to a close, I reflected upon how grateful I was for all of the fantastic people from around the globe who befriended me throughout the year. Each of them warmed my life with the glow of their personalities and affection. I have been struck by how rapidly some of these people came to feel like part of my family, how deeply they wedged themselves into my heart, and how inordinately joyous their quirks and habits make me feel. How strange it felt, at first, to break into a grin just from seeing a little green dot on a computer screen, even without actually opening a chat that day. Ab yah puri tarah se normal experience hai. LOL It is comforting just to think, ‘Hey, that friend is alive and kicking and I hope s/he is happy right now.’ It is also nice to know that my friends can see my little green dot, too, so they can let me know if they need to talk or just need a quick virtual smile and hug.
Waise, it strikes me as odd sometimes–because I am so painfully shy and am so fabulously and gratefully content to be alone and left in peace–but I love meeting new people. (My precious friend Pushpak is the same way.) I like getting to know people, even if it turns out that an individual is someone I don’t care to add into my life beyond that fleeting experience. Phir bhi mai ek push-over hu dosti ke liye. When it comes to romance, mai ek mountain hu, virtually unmoveable. I do not trust easily, and it took a long time for me to fall in love; but once my heart was lost, that was it. Some people have trouble understanding how I can look at some random gorgeous guy and not drool; the only thing I might drool over is the thought of having a camera in hand and some time to shoot this or that person’s unique visage (and it is usually the flaws that draw me, rather than the perfection). I might as well have blinders on, though, because the only person I can ‘see’ in any sort of romantic/sexual way is my husband. When it comes to loving my friends, though, I have to admit that I am completely different. (Did I say ‘completely’? I meant ‘COMPLETELY’!) There have been certain people who, when I met them, clicked so completely with me that I was utterly unable to prevent myself from falling in love (so to speak) with them within weeks or even days. As I paused to consider some of the new friends I made in 2011, I contemplated how a couple of them fell into this category. That started me thinking about how other people measure the strength of their friendships and about how there simply are these individuals that you click so immediately and strongly with that you feel like your lives have always been intertwined.
I know someone (‘Tweedle’) whose best friends are people Tweedle has known since grammar school. The relationship dynamics are a complete puzzle to me. One friend (‘Dee’) is always in a crisis (sometimes real) and routinely needs a shoulder to cry on. Thik hai. I can understand that, sort of. It may be a little bit lopsided, but their relationship is relatively reciprocal; Tweedle does a lot of moaning in return–plus gets a feeling of satisfaction in being the grown-up, rational partner in the friendship with Dee. Dee is seriously invested in the friendship, feels like a part of Tweedle’s family, and calls or stops by to chat even when things are…well, as copacetic as they get in Dee’s life. Then there is ‘Dum’… Dum keeps secrets from a spouse and drags Tweedle into every possible permutation of this deception–except infidelity…Mujhe vishvaas hai. In the vast majority of instances, Tweedle only finds out about the deception when it is too late. Dum calls Tweedle almost exclusively when Dum wants something from Tweedle. Often these things are framed so that Tweedle thinks (at first) that Dum is just wanting to do something good for Tweedle; you would think Tweedle would have learned by now. When Tweedle has some reason not to participate in one whim or another of Dum’s, Dum gets very nasty and decides not to talk to Tweedle–until Dum needs an accomplice again. In the end, Tweedle is always left feeling used and betrayed by Dum, but Dum is Tweedle’s ‘best friend’ and ‘Dum has always been like that.’ …hmmm…
The next situation on my mind is that of ‘Frank’. Frank is one of those people with a heart the size of the sun. Frank will give everything for a friend, and they come to know it very quickly. Frank is super intelligent, super handy, super fun. Frank is also quiet and introspective; Frank does not drink, club, or party in any way acceptable to those who cannot live without getting plastered on a regular basis. As Frank’s childhood friends slowly got their lives together and needed Frank’s help and advice less and less often, they all faded away. Being a loyal friend, it took a long time for Frank to finally give up on these individuals. Ab tak, Frank has stopped taking calls from certain recognisable numbers; and Frank has moved, so most of these people have no idea where to find Frank when they ‘need’ to. Aajakal, Frank is more reserved and warms slowly to new people; Frank thinks carefully before considering someone a ‘friend’ rather than an ‘acquaintance’. Ha, Frank kabhi kabhi thora lonely lagata hai, magar abhi tak vo bhi kam frustrated lagata hai. I am glad to have the privilege of claiming Frank as a central part of my life, and I am even more glad that Frank feels the same way.
Everywhere I turn, it seems like there are people in situations similar to Tweedle and Frank’s. That is not to say that I don’t see evidence of non-dysfunctional friendships, lekin they seem to get harder to find as the days go by. I have even experienced one or two strange relationships that needed to be ended as soon as possible. There is nothing quite like watching helplessly as a friend deliberately nurtures his/her emotionally damaging habits and slowly unravels until, following a mini-psychotic break, that friend just disappears from your life like a wisp of fog. Discovering that someone is a sociopath instead of real friend is also an adventure. (Boy, howdy!) Overall, though, I count myself exceedingly lucky in friendship.
I do ponder the ways other people measure their friendships with people, though; and I am baffled as to why length of acquaintance should have such pride of place when calculating how much someone means to you. I am not into astrology, but I have had miscellaneous people tell me for years that the way I make friends and the way I feel about them is distinctively Sagittarian. Mai us bare me nahi jaanati hu. I just know that I occasionally meet people that I like and they find a place in my heart; it is just as if I was made with special rooms in my soul that certain people happen to fit into perfectly. Some of my friendships burn hot and bright and pass quickly like comets, but my affection for those people does not fade–just thinking about certain people from my past fills me with warmth and happiness. I know from experience that if I met these people today, my heart would take over like no time had passed. For me, good friends are my family members. God picks the people you are related to by blood; it is up to you to love them and accept them as they are, but you may not always like them or feel any intimate personal connexion to them. Friends, though, are the family you get to pick for yourself, the people who are in your life because Kismet brought them into it–and you kept them there, sometimes without effort and sometimes with.
I have friends that I have known since childhood and friends that I have made in adulthood. Many of these are nice and sweet and fun and great to know and hang out with, yadda-yadda blah-blah-blah… That is amazing and fundamental and I by no means take that for granted; but the individuals that are kept deep within my heart are not necessarily the ones who have known me the longest or who I talk to the most. The friends that I consider family include individuals I have met only recently, within the past few months. It staggers me at times. How can time measure how positively someone impacts your life or how intensely you appreciate the fact that they exist? I just don’t think it can–not definitely, not accurately, not in any emotionally valid way.
Dosti itani ajib hai, halanki… Some friendships are hard to nurture, no matter how much you treasure the other person in the relationship. Just as in all relationships, in friendships not only do you have to manage your own emotional baggage, but you also have to maintain an awareness of what your friends are hauling around, as well. For example, some of my friends come from families where affection was never displayed in any outward manner, verbally or physically. (Arrey! That makes me so sad!) My natural tendency is to touch and hug and to use endearments. This instinct is hard to curb, but I can manage it (barely–and I am slowly acclimating some of them to my ways lol). Navigating cultural differences can be challenging, too, and language is only the smallest part of this. Every single friendship has its exclusive stumbling points. The trouble and care is absolutely worth it, though, when the friendship in question runs deep and true.
That’s the thing…’deep and true’. It is not always easy, but I have learned that it is vitally important to make sure that I am aware of how every distinct friendship operates, how healthy it is for me and for everyone involved. Ye sabse sach dosti hain those that uplift both partners, change them somehow in the subtlest and/or most obvious ways, make them better people, and leave their mark forever. Yah meri raaya hai jo bhi ho; par aap apani khuda ki raay ke liye svaagat hain. 
There have been times when I have wondered about the intentions of my friends, of course. I have been blessed, though, in that the people who have drawn closest to me are usually not the same ones who cause me to question their integrity. Looking back, I can see that in most of those WT#! cases, I ignored a lot of early warning signs and did a lot of unnecessary patch-up jobs on relationships that should have died a natural death quite early on. Shaayad I should start separating friends into ‘friends’ and ‘Friends’ categories… Na. Why cubbyhole a relationship that might suddenly (or slowly) metamorphose into something fabulous down the road?!? Hai na?
I guess–in the end–my personal perceptions about friendship are intimately linked to my philosophy about the nature of existence itself. I hold with the belief that everything in creation is inexorably related. Everyone and everything is part and parcel of everyone and everything else. We all hail from the same source, the same energy, and are transmuted into the corporeal creatures we perceive as real and solid. It just may be that the energy in me more strongly recognises the energy in this person or this tree because our respective energies once were swirling together more closely than the energy that currently makes up that person or that tree. Perhaps people are drawn to others because their energies can distinguish other energies, can perceive that these energies are familiar and more compatible with their own than other energies, even if they do not consciously realise it. Who knows, though, really.
Accha. To mai rambling gayi. LOL I love my friends! That is the long and short of it. When it comes right down to it, the way the rest of the world decides which of their friends they love best doesn’t matter. I just know that I have some of the best friends in the world, and do I love them deeply. Maybe my ideas about friendship are naive, but they work for me; and I get the feeling they work for my friends, too. Sometimes I am a sister, sometimes a sparring partner, sometimes a confessor or advisor or sounding board. Sometimes we fight, and sometimes we hurt each other’s feelings a bit. But we make up and we dry each other’s tears. They know I am never far away from them, in heart at least. Most of them will never read this post of mine (which is a relief), but I am sending them my best thoughts and my tightest hugs right now (as always), and I like to think that they will know that. I think that is quite enough out of me now! LOL Good night, all… XOXOXOXO
